$#!+ My Dad Says

My dad has arguably the most unique sense of humor of any person I've ever known. That may be a biased thing to say considering he's my father and all, but I can't think of anyone else whose sense of humor is anything like his (and trust me - I know some people who have very odd tastes in humor). His jokes aren't anything like the book $#!+ My Dad Says or even the TV show with its Archie Bunker-type of humor. If you're familiar with the book or the website you'll know it's pretty racy stuff, but the show's humor is much more toned down for a network sitcom.

Like I said though, my dad's humor isn't anything like that. Over the last few months, my two sisters and I have decided we want to honor him and his jokes in compiling a list of his favorite phrases. None of these phrases may strike anyone else as funny if they don't know my dad personally, but I really wanted to celebrate my dad and his style in humor here.

Here's the general gist of what my dad does: He'll take a phrase, title of a TV show, street name, store, or anything else one could think of and turn it on its opposite. That description may not make much sense, but hopefully this list will help illustrate my point.

Baywatch (yes, the series) becomes Watchbay. (Incidentally, this is my dad's favorite joke and really what started his whole line. And he also likes to say that if the show was actually called Watchbay and he reversed it to Baywatch, everyone would still make fun of him. Don't ask - I know it makes no sense. But it's still hilarious to my sisters and me.)

Old Navy becomes New Army.

Dried Earth Blvd (a street in his neighborhood) becomes Wet Sky Blvd.

Best Buy becomes Worst Return.

Ruby Tuesday becomes Diamond Wednesday.

I think you get the drift. My dad isn't like Grandpa Simpson, Archie Bunker, or Morty Seinfeld, but this is the kind of inside joke that makes us sit back as a family and laugh till our stomachs hurt. I expect with Christmas coming up this week we'll sit down at dinner and share some of our favorite Dad lines and keep trying to come up with some new ones.

My sisters and I have thought about writing a book that compiles every joke he's made using his style, and we've already got the title: Watchbay. We really couldn't come up with any other title more fitting than that since that's the joke that started it all. Be on the lookout on the NY Times Bestseller list, because Watchbay will be hitting shelves eventually.

Will Someone Please %&$?!ing Cure Cancer Already?

Enough is enough.

It's time for me to get really serious for a moment. I'm tired of reading about more people being diagnosed with various types of cancer. Last week I found out a good friend of mine has an ovarian tumor and has to have surgery to remove it. She doesn't know if it's cancerous, but she's battled skin cancer in the past and has managed to beat it, and she's rightfully worried about this tumor. Mind you, she's only 26. No one should have to bear such a horrible disease and barely be starting an adult life.

Just this morning I read about Elizabeth Edwards' condition. She's battled breast cancer for the last several years and had thought it was in remission. Apparently last week she went to see her doctor and found out her cancer had come back and additional surgery or therapy would not be of significant help to her. She now has mere weeks to live.

Elizabeth Edwards has had more to deal with than any other woman I can think of. Her son was killed in a car accident when he was only 16; her husband had an affair and a child with another woman; and she's had to fight cancer amidst all this. I amazed she's able to get up in the morning and stay in relatively good spirits after going through all these events. I may not agree with her politics, but she certainly has my sympathy and prayers for her life coming to an end like this. No one deserves such a fate.

But then there are people like Dick Vitale. I don't particularly like him because he had transcended being a self-caricature on ESPN years ago, but there's one thing he's been extremely passionate about for years. He's been a major proponent of raising donations for cancer research in an effort to ultimately stamp out the disease all together. He's been particularly vocal about children stricken with leukemia and other forms of cancer, and I happened to hear him talk about the subject just this morning on ESPN Radio as well. He's worked closely with the Jimmy V Foundation since its inception in 1993, and I give him major respect for wanting to wipe out this disease once and for all.

In fact, ESPN as a whole does wonderful work in partnering with the Jimmy V Foundation every year and auctions off hundreds of sports memorabilia every summer. All auction bids go completely towards the Jimmy V Foundation, and if you don't know who Jimmy V is, please look up Jimmy Valvano on YouTube. His speech at the ESPY Awards in 1993 is one of the most inspirational videos I've ever seen.

I say all this simply because I hate reading about friends and families being affected by cancer. I think it's safe to say that fighting and defeating cancer once and for all is something that we all can agree on, regardless of political, religious, or social differences. I am going to do my part, and I hope others who read this post will do theirs as well.