Rock Bottom

Yesterday was quite possibly the single worst day of my life. Or maybe it's all for the best. I'm really unsure of how I feel about it right now. And it will likely be several months before I really know how I feel about it.

Let me explain. Over the last 3 months or so at work I'd been getting "coaching sessions" (really, they were formal write ups) about my work being unsatisfactory in several ways. To go into detail over them would take far too long, but suffice to say at least some of the complaints were deserved. My manager and supervisor told me very clearly what had been done incorrectly and expected me to show signs of improvement.

From that first meeting with HR I knew I was on the hot seat. The problem was, things weren't getting any better. The bad stuff had piled up on me, and things came to a head yesterday afternoon. I was called into a meeting with my manager, supervisor, and a rep from HR for the third time. The HR rep came straight to the point: I was being let go as an employee. I hadn't been improving in my performance, and my manager was getting phone calls from VPs about me and demanded my removal. I sat there in silence for several seconds to let the reality of everything sink in before saying anything.

I kept my cool as much as possible, and I like to think I did a fair job of it. First I tried requesting to be moved to a different area within the department with new tasks and responsiblities, but no options were available. I asked for at least some more time so I could find a new position and leave on my terms, but the VPs wouldn't go for that. The impression that my supervisor and manager were giving me was that this decision came down from over their heads, and despite not necessarily agreeing with the call they had no choice. (I have no idea if that's really the case, but that's what they told me)

In essence, it truly was the worst of times.

I called my dad after packing my things up and saying goodbye to my coworkers who were still in the office at that point. I told him everything, and I got really upset and emotional on the phone with him. I had no idea what to do at this point. This was the first time in my life I was being let go from a position versus leaving on my own terms with a new job already lined up. Fortunately he quickly came up with a plan: I stay put in my apartment for at least the month of April and apply for jobs throughout the month. I also apply for unemployment in the meantime to have some extra money beyond my final paychecks coming to me from my job. If I still don't have a new job lined up by the end of April, I'll terminate my lease early and move back with my parents till I find something new.

When I got home, I called around and told some of my closest friends about what had happened as well. After making the normal rounds of phone calls, I did what any full grown adult who had just gotten the worst news possible would have done: I got piss drunk.

I pulled out a half full bottle of Jack Daniels from my freezer and cracked open a couple cans of Coca Cola. I had finished three full glasses of Jack n' Cokes, and got about halfway through my fourth glass when my mom called. I had to sober up fairly quickly while talking with her, but I'm sure she could tell I wasn't exactly sober. Fortunately I was home, so the worst that would happen to me would be falling off my bed if I stood up.

After having talked to about 5 different people on the phone, in addition to my coworkers, about everything, there was one major common theme in their advice for me: Maybe this is for the best. The sky may not be falling. This whole situation could turn out to be something great for me in the long run. I may not know for sure for several months, but anything is possible.

In essence, this could lead me to the best of times.

I did have a long conversation with God though. It wasn't a prayer at all; it was a full on conversation about where my life is right now and where it could be going. I really don't know what plan is in store for me here, but I have to believe something good will come of this. It could involve me moving back to the Baltimore area ultimately, or I simply find another job in Virginia.

What really helps here is knowing my family and closest friends are there for me right now. I've gotten text messages, phone calls, and emails from a number of people since last night checking on me. It's times like these that remind me of how easily people take for granted their close relationships. Words simply don't do justice to how grateful I am for my friends and family who are willing to do whatever they can for me right now. As emotional a time as this is right now, it's comforting to know I have a support system in place, and possible options for what happens next.

Right now it feels like I've hit rock bottom, and in a way I have. The good news is that there's truly nowhere to go but up; it's a just a question of how long it'll take to get there.