I've purposely avoided writing about my parents' divorce on here for several reasons, namely that most people who read this blog don't know either of my parents personally, so they won't have any kind of context to their relationship. Aside from a couple comments made in passing here and there, I doubt any reader would have even known my parents were divorcing anyway. Still, it's a major change in my family and our collective lifestyles, so it bears worth discussing.
I won't bother talking about the entire history of my parents and their issues since that goes back nearly three years ago. The major stuff anyone would need to know is that they separated in April last year, and it hasn't been a very pleasant split. I was living in Virginia at the time, so I was somewhat blessed to be living apart from them both and didn't have to deal with either of them very often.
Most of my information at first came from one or both of my sisters. They were both very upset at both my parents for different reasons, and chose to limit talking to either of them as a result. I don't blame them for making their choices, but I always found it very difficult to follow their suit. However, it was equally tough for me to speak to either of my parents, knowing my sisters didn't want to speak to either of them. Essentially I was caught in the middle of the entire mess, and I didn't know who to take at face value for the most part on either side.
The storm kept brewing once I allowed myself to be messenger between my parents a couple times. My dad called me asking for favors to pass messages off to my mom, and even though I was extremely uncomfortable with being the messenger boy, I told her what my dad had asked me to say. Both times I had agreed to call my mom on my dad's behalf resulted in incredibly awkward conversations, and I had to put my foot down with my dad to tell him I wouldn't be willing to play messenger anymore. He didn't like it much since he only saw it as making a phone call, but he didn't understand how I was putting myself at risk in getting involved in their divorce proceedings.
Fast forward to this morning. My dad sent me a text a little after 4:00 this morning (?!?!!??!) asking me to call him because of an urgent matter. I had made plans to have dinner with him this evening for Father's Day, but he had abruptly cancelled those plans yesterday, after supposedly being upset by a conversation he had with two people regarding my mom (I don't know any details beyond that, and frankly I don't think I want to know). Now, he had a new favor for me in light of yesterday's confrontation: he had a check for my mom, but he didn't want to see her, so he had asked me to deliver it. I immediately thought back to playing messenger for him in the past with my mom, and how uncomfortable I felt from delivering those messages. Still, I agreed to deliver the check.
Then I discussed the whole thing with my girlfriend. She's been through a divorce in the past, so she had plenty of insight into the situation. Her advice was right in line with my gut feeling on the subject, that I shouldn't have to be the one to deliver the check, regardless of what my dad says. I'd be putting myself at risk if I delivered the check and something went wrong with it, not to mention there was no guarantee what I was delivering was in fact a check to begin with.
The follow-up conversation with my dad loomed over my head for the next couple hours. I eventually called him and told him straight up that I wasn't going to deliver the check. Suffice to say, he didn't like hearing that. He tried explaining that it was a simple task and it shouldn't matter, but I told him how it would put me in a potentially risky situation. It led to a pretty big argument, ending only because he eventually hung up on me.
Here's my dilemma: I don't want to be dragged in between my parents anymore than I already have, knowing that each of them would pit me against the other in the process. Ironically, in order to avoid being the bad guy, I have to be the bad guy with them by backing off. On top of all that, I still want to try having a relationship with each of them going forward; they're still my parents after all. Yet, I can't really talk to either of them without the conversation at some point turning into a bitch session about the other.
I know the easy answer is their divorce is between them and they're being the real bad guys by pinning me against each other. My sisters were smart to back off completely from the get go, but I still tried keeping active relationships with them both. Bottom line is drawing a line in the sand with the two of them is easier said than done. I don't like the idea of taking a hard line with either of them since that could make having a relationship that much more difficult later on. I can only hope that if that's what I have to ultimately do, they'll both realize why in the end, and once these hard times are in the past, we can all collectively move forward.
Of course, I'm probably being more than a little naive.
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