I wrote a while back about my intention to find a therapist after a recent issue that came up with me. I haven't talked about it since because most of our discussions so far have been too personal for me to want to write about them openly on here. This week's session, however, really shed some light on a big picture issue that I've been somewhat aware of for a long time, yet chose to ignore.
As far back as I can remember, I've avoided conflict as much as possible. I've long thought of myself as a very agreeable and easy-going person, one who doesn't let too much get under his skin. If someone did something to hurt me, I'm more than willing to forgive and forget, provided the person recognizes what he/she had done was wrong and hurt me in the process. I've never been a person who has either been comfortable with or enjoyed chewing someone else out, even if I'm in the right. I hated the idea of getting emotionally worked up over something to the point of really getting angry, only to find out my anger wasn't justified in the first place. I often talked myself out of being angry, thinking I was being mature and level-headed in analyzing the situation in question, and then deciding if it was really worth getting upset over at all. More often than not, I opted for burying the hatchet and moving on. Life was too short and precious in my eyes to agonize over someone hurting my feelings.
Trouble is, this line of thinking formed a pattern of passive aggressiveness. It's clearly been a part of my life since childhood, and it's affected many relationships over the course of my life - dating and otherwise - and even now in the present. My fear of rocking the boat morphed into fears like making bad decisions, saying something that I would regret later, and an inability to really express my feelings to others. Having a preoccupation of being a people pleaser at my own sanity's expense was anything but healthy, even though in my mind I was convinced I was taking the high road in avoiding expressing anger.
Up until now, my therapist has allowed me to talk about any subject that I wanted to discuss, but this week's session she took a left turn. She said now that we've been meeting for several weeks, she's gotten a feel for who I am as a person, how I'm likely to respond in certain situations, and what kinds of comments or recommendations she has for me. She gave me a homework assignment to do in preparation for our next meeting, and I have to research passive aggressive behavior.
So far, the one piece of information that caught my attention the most was a form of covert abuse. When the word "abuse" comes to mind, I always picture something of a physical or emotional nature. It's very direct, and easily identifiable.
This kind of abuse is much, much different. From what I've read, it involves behaviors like forgetfulness, blaming, procrastination, lack of anger, and victimization - all of which I've definitely been guilty of in the past. While I'm sure that I wasn't fully aware of what I was doing at the time, it doesn't change the fact that what I did was hurtful and selfish. The crappy part is that most people probably wouldn't get too upset with me if I simply chose to speak my mind and communicate my feelings.
I almost didn't want to write about this because the subject could easily turn into one of two things: a pity party or a cry for attention. It certainly isn't meant to be either of those; I'm finally being honest with myself, and this blog is probably the most healthy venue to get my thoughts out. I mentioned this blog to my therapist last week too, and she agreed that it's a good way to get my emotions out when I need to, even if I write a post that I opt not to openly publish (which I have done several times).
I don't expect or want a pat on the back for making this kind of realization. If anything, I'm hoping that this opens the door for more breakthroughs that are for my benefit, even if the initial reveal isn't something pleasant. Then again, there's little point in trying to become mentally healthy if I don't confront some unpleasant things about myself at all.
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