I read Cracked.com habitually, mostly the TV/film articles published on their site. They're a great way to kill time on a quiet day, and lots of articles on there range from enlightening to fascinating (one article published over the summer was about crappy movies that had almost turned out awesome if produced as they were originally intended). I've decided to do my own list in the tradition of their own articles, starting with this one.
1. Ransom (1996)
Mel Gibson is a billionaire airline owner whose young son is kidnapped right under his own eyes at a science fair. The kidnappers demand payment for the boy's return, and they figure Gibson will pay given an important backstory to his character in the film. The trouble is, they don't realize they're dealing with Mel Gibson. Gibson goes all Mel Gibson-y (no, not by drinking heavily and blaming all the world's problems on Jewish people), turning the tables on the kidnappers by (SPOILER ALERT) going on TV, taking the proposed ransom and turning it into a bounty on their heads. Said kidnappers go nuts, turn on one another, and ultimately only one bad guy is left to deal with Mel Gibson by movie's end.
It's a Remake of...
Ransom! (1956)
First of all, the exclamation point isn't a typo. Ironically, this film version was itself a remake of a TV episode of the series The United States Steel Hour. In the film, the boy is kidnapped at school by a nurse who's in cahoots with a group who want to extort the Mel Gibson of this film, played by Glenn Ford. Ford gets the ransom money together, and is prepared to pay the bad guys off, until he gets the wacky idea of going on TV, taking the proposed ransom, and turning it into a bounty on the kidnappers' heads. Because he isn't Mel Gibson, there's no scene of him yelling and going bats**t crazy where he has to beat the crap out of anyone. The kidnappers turn to chicken poo and hand the kid over by movie's end.
Interestingly, the original film's writers - Richard Maibaum and Cyril Hume - were credited as story collaborators on the 1996 remake. It makes somewhat sense given how relatively similar the plot is to both films.
Unlike...
2. Disturbia (2007)
Shia LeBeouf stars as juvenile deliquent Kale Brecht, which means he's playing the exact same character he plays in just about every other film he's ever starred in. The Beef is under house arrest because of his juvenile deliquency where he decided to pick a fight with his high school teacher. Instead of going away to a juvie hall, the judge orders him under house arrest and forces him to wear an ankle monitor that he can't remove so the cops can make sure he doesn't go anywhere (I hope the bracelet is water proof though for when he takes a shower).
Anyways, his mother decides to teach him a lesson by doing the dastardly deed of - GASP! - disconnecting his XBox and internet. Forced to actually find ways to socialize with people the old fashioned way, The Beef meets his super hot neighbor who just happens to move in to the very house next door (Sarah Roemer). And by "meet," I mean The Beef turns into a Peeping Tom of sorts, spying on her, as well as the creepy guy across the street, who may or may not be a psychotic killer.
Creepy guy (played by David Morse) is in fact a killer, and The Beef and the Girl Next Door work together to expose him. The Beef supposedly learned his lesson to not be such delinquent by movie's end, at least until he went on to play essentially the same character in Eagle Eye.
It's a Remake of...
Rear Window (1956)
In this original film, widely considered to be one of Hitchcock's best films, James Stewart plays a decidedly-not juvenile delinquent man, stuck in his apartment thanks to a broken leg. Since they didn't have XBox Live or cable TV back then, he's used to entertaining himself by stuff like - EGADS! - reading books. But even then, he gets bored with reading, so he takes to peeking into the lives of his neighbors in his apartment complex.
He eventually notices a strange man, played by Raymond Burr, who he quickly suspects may have murdered his own wife. Stewart contacts his girlfriend and the police, who do their own investigation but naturally find nothing suspicious. Stewart tries playing a clever game of cat and mouse with Burr by luring Burr to meet him in a bar, while Stewart's girlfriend breaks into Burr's apartment to find evidence. Eventually Burr's wife's wedding ring is discovered, and evidence proving Burr's guilt is discovered. Burr confesses, and everyone goes back to a hunky dorey life.
James Stewart > The Beef
3. Fatal Attraction (1987)
The movie that led to so many husbands to think twice about cheating on their wives is also a remake. Michael Douglas plays a happily married man who gets far too close to a women he meets through work, leading to a very crazy obsession building on her part. Things build up to the famous situation that has reminded audiences ever since that anytime a character is supposedly drowned under water, it's best to empty a few rounds in the body just in case.
It's a Remake of...
Diversion (1980)
Don't give me too many points for knowing this. I actually had found out quite by accident that Fatal Attraction when I had looked up remakes online. It's a British film made for television, so it's entirely possible that some Brit actually came up with the infamous moment of a supposedly drowned body jumping back to life to scare audiences (and cheating husbands) everywhere originally.
4. Heat (1995)
The Greatest Heist Film Ever Made. Al Pacino hunts down Robert De Niro. The greatest shootout in cinematic history between cops chasing down the thieves, and all sorts of innocent bystanders get caught in the middle. And Michael Mann shows why he knows male machismo better than anyone else alive.
It's a Remake of...
L.A. Takedown (1989)
Mann had been working on his script for Heat for 10 years and got tired of waiting for a budget big enough to make his movie, so six years before he finally could make his masterpiece he made a made-for-TV version of it. Again, it's super hard to find, but I'm actually curious to see what it's like compared to the real deal.
5. True Lies (1994)
After making three intense action films, James Cameron decided he wanted to make another action film, but with comedy this time. Oh there's still plenty of bullets, bombs, explosions, and crazy stunts, but you'll laugh the entire time! I mean, we've got terrorists who don't remember to charge the battery in their video camera! And Jamie Lee Curtis falls on the floor while doing her striptease dance! Oh, and Tom Arnold. We've got him too, because the man best qualified to hunt down Middle Eastern terrorists is the guy who also starred in the movie The Stupids. And was married to Roseanne.
Having said all that, the stuntwork is still first-rate Cameron, so I sound like I'm being harder on the film than I really am. It's just not on the same level as Aliens, Terminator 2, or The Abyss.
But then, the original film was a French film, so that explains a lot.
It's a Remake of...
La Totale! (1991)
AGAIN with the exclamation points. François Voisin is the hero and protagonist this time, and he's a secret agent with a pretty cool nickname ("The Sword"). He's an executive at a white collar office job by day, but watch out! At night he hunts down arms-smuggling rings and terrorist regimes. His wife has no idea what he does at night, so because she feels so neglected she decides to meet someone new. Hilarity ensues. I think.
******
I'm really not opposed to remakes in general, considering a couple of these films were genuinely excellent. In fact, I'm not even opposed to remakes changing details or plot points in films in order to update them to modern day settings. What I do find interesting is reading more about the histories and trivia behind major films such as these, and sharing that with anyone who might want to know.
But Cracked still does a better job of writing lists like these than I do.
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