A couple weeks ago, I was on the phone with my mom catching up on things. We hadn't talked in a couple weeks prior to that day, so we were due for a conversation. While we were talking, she mentioned she was going away on vacation to Arizona for a week to visit her uncle out there. I've followed the pictures she's posted on Facebook from places like the Grand Canyon and other sites out there. She looked like she had a really good time during her trip.
My point is that her vacation that week was specifically timed; as of Friday, October 12, 2012, my parents' divorce was made final. Their tenuous divorce process was over, and they will now live their lives completely separate from one another. Granted, they've been living apart for nearly a year and a half now, so nothing much will change in that regards. Going forward, however, our family will no longer be a single unit anymore.
I've been somewhat numb to this whole process since it started in the spring of 2011. I was dragged into the mess a couple times by my father, which put me in an awkward position. I had no choice but to back off for my own sake, at the expense of alienating myself somewhat from my dad. He and I rarely speak, but he speaks to my sisters even less often than he does to me. The last I heard from him, he was expecting to travel quite a bit this fall for work to places like San Francisco and San Diego. He also expects to be overseas in Vienna before Christmas, and will likely be there until February of next year.
If concentrating on work is how he chooses to deal with the divorce, I can understand that. I've dealt with breakups in the past by concentrating on things like work and school too, but I'm not crazy enough to think that any 6-month relationship carries the kind of emotional weight that a 35-year marriage with three kids does. I'm just really disappointed that he has also chosen to sever ties with all three of his kids and his granddaughter. I get that he's hurt and probably doesn't know how to deal with his emotions, but isn't that where family comes in to help out? God knows I went through a dark time last year, and my family and friends were there every step of the way.
Over the last year, I've made several attempts to see my dad for various occasions. When Thanksgiving was coming up, I called him a week before to find out his plans for the day. I was going to the Ravens game that night with both my sisters, so he and I had breakfast together. He seemed genuinely happy that I made the effort to see him, and we had a good time chatting and talking about our Christmas wish lists.
Things quickly changed though. He never seemed terribly interested in getting together over Christmas, saying that since no one formally invited him to any family Christmas party, he wasn't certain that anyone wanted to see him. I talked to my sister and her father-in-law about it, and they agreed that he was being completely unreasonable about not being invited. Once my sister did extend him an invitation, he chose to use work as an excuse over why he couldn't come. We all knew he wanted to avoid being around my mom, so none of us were surprised when he said he wouldn't be coming.
Then there was the Father's Day debacle. After that day, I came to the conclusion that he simply didn't want to be around anyone in the family. Maybe being around any of his children was a reminder to him of life with my mom. Maybe he's sulked into a depression and wants to be alone. Whatever the reason, I didn't feel any immediate need to try seeing him for his birthday in August. I figured if he and I did make plans, he'd find yet another excuse as to why he couldn't get together again.
Truth be told, I'm really worried about my dad. I really think he has sunk into a depression, and it will only grow worse over time. I'm equally worried about my sisters since they are both angry with our dad, and neither of them have any desire to patch things up with him. Granted, they are both justified in being angry with him, but I feel like sometimes stubbornness has to give way when it comes to repairing a relationship with one's father. If nobody swallows their pride, my niece won't ever get to know her grandfather, and my other sister won't ever be escorted down the aisle by our dad whenever she finally does get married. How is any of this healthy?
People like to say that time heals all wounds, so even though these scars are fresh in everyone's minds I'd like to think we'll all get past them eventually. I think that would be true if my sisters and I were all kids and had our teen years to adjust to being a divided family. Since we're all now adults and fairly set in our ways, I don't see anyone changing their minds very easily. I love both my sisters, and I know the three of us will always be close with one another. However I feel like I'm somewhat torn between them and my parents. I want to continue having a relationship with everyone, but it's hard being the only one who speaks to my parents at all. My sisters haven't said anything directly or indirectly that I have to choose one side versus the other, but it's hard talking about my parents around my sisters now and vice versa, knowing the resentment that lies under the surface.
I can't help but look at a photo of my family that sits on my bookshelf that was taken on Christmas morning in 2008. That was one of the last truly happy days my family had together as a whole, and that day feels a whole lot further in my memory than four years ago. I can't bring myself to part with it either though, so maybe that makes me normal.
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